Day 38

I'm still here. I'm trying. 

This week has been the shittiest week of my life. I don't remember ever feeling this low since grade 10. I hate how easily I get so sad. It's like one word and my entire mood changes and it's so hard to change it back. 

Sigh. I don't know what else to say. Lol no one's here to comfort me. 

Day 31

I'd going to bed. 

If my heart and head would stop being so goddamn loud. 

January 27th, 2015

I'm in my room right now, I don't really know what to do with myself. I don't want to be sad, but it's like I honestly don't know what to do with myself. 

Uhm lets talk about my day I guess. 

So I missed practice this morning, I didn't skip, I missed it. I overslept. My alarm went off at 5 and I woke up and normally I have a few alarms so when I fall back into mini sleeps, it wakes me up again but for some reason, it wasn't like that this morning, idk why I didn't turn them all on last night. 

Anyway, so my alarm rang off. I woke up to turn it off. Then as I was wondering about my ankle, because I was really concerned about it I fell asleep. I didn't realize this though until I was waking up at 6 because I got a text from my friend asking me where I was. It was too late to go to practice now anyway, he would bitch it my face and then I'd get the same penalty as not showing up so I just didn't go anymore. I went back to bed. 

Then I talked with Hannah for a bit. Listened to her because I love her and I'm always willing to hear what she has to say. Anyway, I got jealous from the entire conversation but let's not go into details of why. 

And I don't know why but I was really upset all morning. More than glum upset. It's weird though because I would be so sad and the I go out my room, and see someone and instant happiness. It's like I can turn off the sadness so well when I'm with other people. But only if I'm talking and interacting. 

My first class, Astronomy I was late. Sat next to Emily, it was okay. Seems like it'll be a good class. Then I went to Matts, sat wth Tino, saw the-girl. That's what I'll call her. The-girl. I like her. I want her. Anyways saw her, talked to her. Gets red it was just one sentence, but it was good enough because she wasn't a bitch like I know she can be. 

Saw Trai, live how excited he always is to see me, da Miranda. Then went to my next class. The professor is always too excited to see me and these terms of endearment that he always gives me are kinda creepy. But he's nice and the class was fun. 

Hung out my the theater with Priscilla for a bit after that and then just went to my room to chill before practice. I didn't end up chilling though, I cleaned a bit of my side of the room cause it was bad. 

Went to practice, got told that I won't be competing this weekend because I didn't go to morning practice, ran 4 miles, hurdle drills, stretched, went to trainers. Honestly for most of that run, all I could think was I hate this fucking coach. I hate this school. I hate life. Like that was the most unrelaxing run ever. I didn't feel any better after running. It sucked. 

Went to a mini meeting, was super awkward. 

Went to the mailroom, got my package back that I have to deliver tomorrow. 

Went to dinner. 

Went back to my room. 

Not much fun today. I honestly don't like this school though. It's not fun at all. Yeah, there are some cool people here but I dunno, maybe I'm just pessimistic because I'm always so depressed. 

Feeling kinda sad now but it don't matter. It'll get better..  

January 24th, 2015

I should be asleep right now but it's like my body craves something, no, not my body, my mind. It's like I can't stop thinking, can't stop wanting to talk, to let words out, just any words. What sucks the most about all of this is that, I don't have anyone to let it out too. I would just chat with Hannah for a while but she's busy and besides her idk who else would answer me at 3:20am. 

I missed the cheerleaders. I really wanted to see the cheerleaders. I really wanted to see her perform. Ugh I need to stop thinking about her, I don't even know her, in just attracted to her, it's like whyyyyy. 

If I'm honest with myself, I hate my life. Don't get me wrong, I live better than most. We're not poor or anything and if I really wanted something all I have to do is ask but I really hate my life. Not so much my life though, I hate myself. My personality. My feelings. My thoughts. My wants and wishes. All of it. I have a nice body though. Pretty hair. 

Oh shot I didn't do the extra credit work. If I type it up on the bus and send it to him, think he'll take it? Sunday I have to spend all day doing my homework. I have to finish it. Classes start Monday. Sigh. I hate life. It all seems so pointless tbh. So fucking pointless. 

Sigh. I feel sad. I feel broken. Life sucks. I know if I told Tunde this, he'll start an entire lecture of how I shouldn't be so ungrateful for something God has graciously given us. I don't think he enjoys my company anymore. 

I was going to write 'used to it'. Am I really used to it? To people brushing me gd their shoulders as if I was nothing, as if they didn't ever need me anymore? As my our friendship was just a tiny, insignificant infinity? All I ask for is someone to hold me while I cry each night. To hold me and make me stop the tears before they even start. That's all I ask for. 

I need something to make this life better, something to look forward to. 

January 23rd, 2015

She's so freaking hot. 

I want her. 

I want her to be mine. 

Or just my friend. 

Either way, I crave her attention. I want her to look my way and smile for once. To not be so cold. 

I think we could be friends. I want to be friends with her. Gawd, she makes me want her. 

Sometimes I feel like she feels the same way, like she wants my attention too but I can never be sure. 

One day though, before the semester ends, I plan on finding out. 

January 23rd, 2015

I hate feeling like this. 

I hate it so much.

I hate it. 

I hate it. 

I hate it. 

For someone with so little love experience, I always feel heart broken and sad. 

I suck as a human. I just wish, sigh I'm always wishing for shit to happen. Always wishing. 

Whatever. I'll sleep on it.  

January 19th, 2015

My wish for the future is that I stop worrying about what other people think of me, or really, letting what other people say get to me. I like to think that I have pretty thick skin that I have gathered over the years. Like I can remember times when I used to cry if someone called me big nose but now, I can listen to Tunde call me it and it doesn't even sting anymore. Sure, it's like 'why you gatta keep bringing it up' but it doesn't bother me anymore. 

Lol I just need to stop worrying about what others think about me. Stop setting standards for my friendship too, I guess because I never get what I want. I wish something would happen and the person would do the opposite, stuff like that. Minor details, me always texting first, me always feeling like s burden, like you have sonething better to do and then big things like never really making time for me, again, feeling like a burden, feeling inadequate, feeling like I don't belong, like I have to settle because that's all I'm getting. It angers me when I set standards for my friends, things I would do for them, and it doesn't go through. 

All I ever wanted was to write letters and have them received to me but no, I'm guessing it's a military reason but Hannah is like Nope. 

Then ohh, getting sidetracked here, I get so damn jealous of that boy. I shouldn't get this jealous but it's like, 'she likes him' if she could she'll tell me about him all day, I know this, but that's all I want to be. I don't care that she ignored every advice she ever gave me to talk to him, idk I really don't, what bothers me is that I know I'm easily replaceable. And with him in the picture, I just feel like that's what's happening. It makes me so sad and jealous. 

I'm tired, I wanna write more but I need sleep. Later I'll finish my rant about how much I hate my life. I just wanna die.