January 24th, 2015

I should be asleep right now but it's like my body craves something, no, not my body, my mind. It's like I can't stop thinking, can't stop wanting to talk, to let words out, just any words. What sucks the most about all of this is that, I don't have anyone to let it out too. I would just chat with Hannah for a while but she's busy and besides her idk who else would answer me at 3:20am. 

I missed the cheerleaders. I really wanted to see the cheerleaders. I really wanted to see her perform. Ugh I need to stop thinking about her, I don't even know her, in just attracted to her, it's like whyyyyy. 

If I'm honest with myself, I hate my life. Don't get me wrong, I live better than most. We're not poor or anything and if I really wanted something all I have to do is ask but I really hate my life. Not so much my life though, I hate myself. My personality. My feelings. My thoughts. My wants and wishes. All of it. I have a nice body though. Pretty hair. 

Oh shot I didn't do the extra credit work. If I type it up on the bus and send it to him, think he'll take it? Sunday I have to spend all day doing my homework. I have to finish it. Classes start Monday. Sigh. I hate life. It all seems so pointless tbh. So fucking pointless. 

Sigh. I feel sad. I feel broken. Life sucks. I know if I told Tunde this, he'll start an entire lecture of how I shouldn't be so ungrateful for something God has graciously given us. I don't think he enjoys my company anymore. 

I was going to write 'used to it'. Am I really used to it? To people brushing me gd their shoulders as if I was nothing, as if they didn't ever need me anymore? As my our friendship was just a tiny, insignificant infinity? All I ask for is someone to hold me while I cry each night. To hold me and make me stop the tears before they even start. That's all I ask for. 

I need something to make this life better, something to look forward to.