Day 38

I'm still here. I'm trying. 

This week has been the shittiest week of my life. I don't remember ever feeling this low since grade 10. I hate how easily I get so sad. It's like one word and my entire mood changes and it's so hard to change it back. 

Sigh. I don't know what else to say. Lol no one's here to comfort me. 

Day 31

I'd going to bed. 

If my heart and head would stop being so goddamn loud. 

January 27th, 2015

I'm in my room right now, I don't really know what to do with myself. I don't want to be sad, but it's like I honestly don't know what to do with myself. 

Uhm lets talk about my day I guess. 

So I missed practice this morning, I didn't skip, I missed it. I overslept. My alarm went off at 5 and I woke up and normally I have a few alarms so when I fall back into mini sleeps, it wakes me up again but for some reason, it wasn't like that this morning, idk why I didn't turn them all on last night. 

Anyway, so my alarm rang off. I woke up to turn it off. Then as I was wondering about my ankle, because I was really concerned about it I fell asleep. I didn't realize this though until I was waking up at 6 because I got a text from my friend asking me where I was. It was too late to go to practice now anyway, he would bitch it my face and then I'd get the same penalty as not showing up so I just didn't go anymore. I went back to bed. 

Then I talked with Hannah for a bit. Listened to her because I love her and I'm always willing to hear what she has to say. Anyway, I got jealous from the entire conversation but let's not go into details of why. 

And I don't know why but I was really upset all morning. More than glum upset. It's weird though because I would be so sad and the I go out my room, and see someone and instant happiness. It's like I can turn off the sadness so well when I'm with other people. But only if I'm talking and interacting. 

My first class, Astronomy I was late. Sat next to Emily, it was okay. Seems like it'll be a good class. Then I went to Matts, sat wth Tino, saw the-girl. That's what I'll call her. The-girl. I like her. I want her. Anyways saw her, talked to her. Gets red it was just one sentence, but it was good enough because she wasn't a bitch like I know she can be. 

Saw Trai, live how excited he always is to see me, da Miranda. Then went to my next class. The professor is always too excited to see me and these terms of endearment that he always gives me are kinda creepy. But he's nice and the class was fun. 

Hung out my the theater with Priscilla for a bit after that and then just went to my room to chill before practice. I didn't end up chilling though, I cleaned a bit of my side of the room cause it was bad. 

Went to practice, got told that I won't be competing this weekend because I didn't go to morning practice, ran 4 miles, hurdle drills, stretched, went to trainers. Honestly for most of that run, all I could think was I hate this fucking coach. I hate this school. I hate life. Like that was the most unrelaxing run ever. I didn't feel any better after running. It sucked. 

Went to a mini meeting, was super awkward. 

Went to the mailroom, got my package back that I have to deliver tomorrow. 

Went to dinner. 

Went back to my room. 

Not much fun today. I honestly don't like this school though. It's not fun at all. Yeah, there are some cool people here but I dunno, maybe I'm just pessimistic because I'm always so depressed. 

Feeling kinda sad now but it don't matter. It'll get better..  

January 24th, 2015

I should be asleep right now but it's like my body craves something, no, not my body, my mind. It's like I can't stop thinking, can't stop wanting to talk, to let words out, just any words. What sucks the most about all of this is that, I don't have anyone to let it out too. I would just chat with Hannah for a while but she's busy and besides her idk who else would answer me at 3:20am. 

I missed the cheerleaders. I really wanted to see the cheerleaders. I really wanted to see her perform. Ugh I need to stop thinking about her, I don't even know her, in just attracted to her, it's like whyyyyy. 

If I'm honest with myself, I hate my life. Don't get me wrong, I live better than most. We're not poor or anything and if I really wanted something all I have to do is ask but I really hate my life. Not so much my life though, I hate myself. My personality. My feelings. My thoughts. My wants and wishes. All of it. I have a nice body though. Pretty hair. 

Oh shot I didn't do the extra credit work. If I type it up on the bus and send it to him, think he'll take it? Sunday I have to spend all day doing my homework. I have to finish it. Classes start Monday. Sigh. I hate life. It all seems so pointless tbh. So fucking pointless. 

Sigh. I feel sad. I feel broken. Life sucks. I know if I told Tunde this, he'll start an entire lecture of how I shouldn't be so ungrateful for something God has graciously given us. I don't think he enjoys my company anymore. 

I was going to write 'used to it'. Am I really used to it? To people brushing me gd their shoulders as if I was nothing, as if they didn't ever need me anymore? As my our friendship was just a tiny, insignificant infinity? All I ask for is someone to hold me while I cry each night. To hold me and make me stop the tears before they even start. That's all I ask for. 

I need something to make this life better, something to look forward to. 

January 23rd, 2015

She's so freaking hot. 

I want her. 

I want her to be mine. 

Or just my friend. 

Either way, I crave her attention. I want her to look my way and smile for once. To not be so cold. 

I think we could be friends. I want to be friends with her. Gawd, she makes me want her. 

Sometimes I feel like she feels the same way, like she wants my attention too but I can never be sure. 

One day though, before the semester ends, I plan on finding out. 

January 23rd, 2015

I hate feeling like this. 

I hate it so much.

I hate it. 

I hate it. 

I hate it. 

For someone with so little love experience, I always feel heart broken and sad. 

I suck as a human. I just wish, sigh I'm always wishing for shit to happen. Always wishing. 

Whatever. I'll sleep on it.  

January 19th, 2015

My wish for the future is that I stop worrying about what other people think of me, or really, letting what other people say get to me. I like to think that I have pretty thick skin that I have gathered over the years. Like I can remember times when I used to cry if someone called me big nose but now, I can listen to Tunde call me it and it doesn't even sting anymore. Sure, it's like 'why you gatta keep bringing it up' but it doesn't bother me anymore. 

Lol I just need to stop worrying about what others think about me. Stop setting standards for my friendship too, I guess because I never get what I want. I wish something would happen and the person would do the opposite, stuff like that. Minor details, me always texting first, me always feeling like s burden, like you have sonething better to do and then big things like never really making time for me, again, feeling like a burden, feeling inadequate, feeling like I don't belong, like I have to settle because that's all I'm getting. It angers me when I set standards for my friends, things I would do for them, and it doesn't go through. 

All I ever wanted was to write letters and have them received to me but no, I'm guessing it's a military reason but Hannah is like Nope. 

Then ohh, getting sidetracked here, I get so damn jealous of that boy. I shouldn't get this jealous but it's like, 'she likes him' if she could she'll tell me about him all day, I know this, but that's all I want to be. I don't care that she ignored every advice she ever gave me to talk to him, idk I really don't, what bothers me is that I know I'm easily replaceable. And with him in the picture, I just feel like that's what's happening. It makes me so sad and jealous. 

I'm tired, I wanna write more but I need sleep. Later I'll finish my rant about how much I hate my life. I just wanna die. 

January 11th, 2015

You guys would not believe the shitty morning I had. It was shit, I felt like shit, I looked like shit. Gawd it was horrible. I cried for hours and then ended up watching some movie that made me cry some more and it was just horrible. For hours I locked myself in my room and just wallowed in self loathing. It wasn't good at all. And I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone yanno? It was just really bad. 

I went to target with some friends, best idea of my life because it helped me clear my head. Helped me stop hating myself for a while and treat myself to nice things and then a got a text from a friend saying, 'you act like you think no one cares about you. But I do and and I'm sure other people do too so stop being a downer and smile'. It was true. I do feel like no one cares but having him say it just made me want to change that much more I guess. 

I shoved the thoughts away and just smiled, I wanted to smile, I wanted to be better and I was going to be.

So besides that, I'm feeling good right now. I'm trying to stay positive and remember that just because people don't treat me the way I want or show they care the way I want, doesn't mean they don't. I just have to learn to live with it or change and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to change my ways. Or try to anyways. 

Lol I've been trying for a long time though. The ending of 2014 has been a real low moment for me but I do want to get better, I do want to be happy so I'm going to continue to try. 

Let's just hope that I don't give up on someone cause after this morning, I was close to giving up on Hannah. She said give her a chance, I won't let her go no matter how neglected I feel becauseim lot her, I'm not in her predicament so I don't know why she didn't contact. I know I would honestly have but again, I don't know her situation. I just have to learn to trust more. 

That's gonna be on my resolution for 2915: learn to trust people. 

January 10th, 2015

I'm laying in bed, I've got the room to myself and I can't help but these depressed feelings that are running throughout my body. It's like the blood in my veins are filled with sadness and everytime my heart pumps, the sadness moved to every limb of my body, creating this big mass of sadness inside of the that I have no clue how to control. Yeah, that's how I feel. 

Tonight, there's a sadness inside me that I just can't shake. I've had it all day to be honest. My friend, Tunde noticed it, tried to ask me if I was okay but I don't know what to tell him. Idk what I should have told him. So instead, I just nodded, said I was fine and tried to act more sociable. I guess it worked. 

I wish I could call someone who would listen to me, or someone who would listen to my breathing because talking gets hard. Basically, I just want someone to be there for me. 

When I was younger, more than anything, I wanted a best friend. Like those ones you see on TV where no matter what, they've got each other's back. They'd do everything together, tell each other everything and never keep secrets. They were honest about everything, Frank butost of all they were caring. I've always wanted that type of best friend. 

Throughout my life I've searched for this person. First Diorchea in kindergarten, lasted a year before her cousin basically told me to leave her alone because I couldn't be friends with her. It was dark times for me, I didn't know who to play with. 

Then I had a best friend named Jacibta in grade 1, but we weren't really best friends because I didn't get invited to her parties. 

I didn't get another best friend until grade 4. A new girl came to our school and we hit it off and became best friends. The type I wanted. We did everything together and I honestly loved her. She was the best but we went to different high schools and she knew more people than me, got more influences and changed. 

Grade 7 I got a new best friend, Anastacia. We were close because I had decided that I wanted friends and changed. I became a bit more likeable and she was loud the same. After that year though, she moved on to another girl and I was left without a friend again. 

I'll be honest with you, I'm not good at making friends. Or really, I'm not good at keeping friends. It's hard for me and idk why. It's like people see me and just don't want to be my friend, they don't want to invite me out, give me rides to parties, go to te beach wih me. It's been like this for as long as I remember. 

You know my older sister sold me the biggest dream. For the longest time in primary school, I was sad. I was bullied, none of the kids really wanted to be my friend or hang with me outside of school and I was just really sad. I didn't tell anybody though cause my mom and dad wouldn't understand. My mom always told me I was a mistake. She would talk about how much she didn't want me and at first, I tried not to show that it hurt me but it did. She'd deny ever saying this but it cut me so deep, I never could. Anyways, my oldest sister was very popular in high school. She went out all the time, boys kissed her, she had a best friend and I wanted that. I wanted to be like her. I was jealous. So I figured, maybe when I get 16, I'll have parties to go to. Maybe when I get 18, people would want to hang with me. Cause that's what was happening with her. But of course it didn't work out that way. 16 came and went. 18 came and I'm still fighting for friendships, or fighting for people to acknowledge me without me acknowledging them first. 

My next best friend wasn't until grade 11, her name was Marisha and I really thought I had finally found my best friend I was searching so hard for. I really did. But things happened, I didn't trust her enough and she didn't really try to keep me her friend. It sort of confirmed something in my mind. 

Now I would say that Brashe is my close friend. We talk a lot and I trust her but she doesn't know how much I hurt. She has other friends that she'll complain about her hardships too but I just can't make myself tell people what's wrong with me, what's going on in my head. I love her and Id do anything for her though and I know she'd do the same for me. 

Hannah, I like to think that Hannah is my best friend but for as much as we talk, I still don't know her that well. 

For now, I'm still waiting on my best friend. Still trying to find him or her but maybe threats the problem yanno? Maybe I'm searching too hard. Maybe I should just let it happen but I feel like I've always just been letting it happen and it never works. 

One day, Id like to not feel lonely. Just one. 

January 9th, 2015

Today has felt longer than I expected it to. I woke at 8, my body felt broken and used up but thankfully there was no morning practice so I could get more shut eye. And that's what I did, I closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep again and when I woke it was 11 and time for me to start getting ready for practice.

Practice was basically easy today. We had circuits. It hurt my ankle a lot with all the jumping but other than that I love workouts like that. They make me feel powerful and great, yanno. Like I could do whatever I wanted. I was in charge of my body and I could do great things. I love practices like that. When I'm in charge of my body and just feel like I could go far in my sport.

After however, my body felt more bruised than when I had woken up. I went to the trainers and learnt that the heating pads work a lot. Yeah, they help a lot.

Besides practice though, I got a lot of stuff done today. I got everything situated with my work and learn and my financial aid. It was nice.

But that's not why i'm typing this. I don't want to write about how my day was, I fake my feelings all day, I'll always have a good day...

however right now, I want to cry.

I thought writing this would help but it sucks just as much as not talking to anyone at all. I miss Hannah. Just knowing that someones listening helps. But she's living her life and I can't help but feel like i'm dragging her down sometimes. Like i'm in the way of her life.

I think of her a lot. It has me wondering if maybe, just maybe, on Kinsley's scale I really am in the middle. I try not to, to not wonder about how it would feel like she actually wanted to be with me but I know it won't work. There are many reasons for this, for one: she's not to so far of on the Kinsley scale as I am and so it makes her uncomfortable and two: I can barely attract guys and keep them, really think I can keep a girl.

Most guys just want my body, they don't really want me and it sucks being used like that. Used as an object for their release, for them to say, I kissed that bitch. And i'm so eager to look for someone who would just hold me at night that I fall for it, I fall for all of it. All the time.

When I was home over break, something like this happened. I was drunk but I can remember freaking out on him, asking him what he was doing. Exclaiming that he never thought of me like this, that he didn't even think I was attractive and of course, he disagreed with me but I know it was just the alcohol talking. On both of our ends. In reality, I would joke while saying these things but I said t so easily that thats how I know I was out of my mind.

Still though, I wish it was different.

I wish I thought differently.

I wish I wasn't attracted to Hannah or Kasey.

I wish I wasn't sad all the time.

I dunno what to do about it. Lowkey, I'm trying to get over it but I've given up. I'm just tired I guess. Very tired.

Yanno, from I was young I've had problems making friends. No matter how happy or funny I was, people just didn't want to be with me. I'd watch everyone be friends, go to each others houses and wonder why they'd only talk to me at school and nothing else. Why everyone knew everyone and I was there by myself.

I just wish I could cry. But i've taught myself how to hold back tears for so long, that they always get stuck in my throat, they never let go. Why does no one care that I'm drowning? Why couldn't I have been prettier? Smarter? A better athlete? More social.. Something. Why couldn't i have been different?????????

January 8th, 2015

It's 9:26 pm. I'm sitting in a communications lab with two friends, Priscilla and Miranda. Miranda sits a computer down from me, using her laptop instead of the computers in the lab. She scrolls through tumblr, after having a conversation with her mom and the police about an accident she had a few weeks ago. Priscilla sits in the row in front of us, watching a movie that was once a play. It's an interesting movie but i wish she would put her headphones in. It's distracting me from wanting to do anything but watch it or fall asleep.

My mouth burns. Not a burn like when you touch fire, but like the skin is chapped and hurts. I've started mixing vaseline with my lotion and it seems to work but today we ran 4 miles in the cold and now, it hurts again. My body hurts as well, it's like soreness and pain. My shoulders, m back, my thighs, it even hurts my eyelids to stay wide.

I want to sleep. But when I go in my room, it a while to fall asleep. My body is weird. It's tired and wants to sleep but when i go to sleep, it doesn't work out. This is what I do to help myself, I usually think of scenarios i've either been in or would like to do. most of the time it's about some guys arm around me.

The first time I ever did this it was with this guy named Dakota. Funny thing is though, I never really met him. I don't even remember if he ever showed me his face but I love him. He made me feel special and he actually texted me first and sounded excited tot alk to him. I think of him sometimes and I hope he's happy. I hope he found a girl that was all the things I wasn't. It's funny cause there's was this one time I always remember where we were texting and I was upset and really insecure. I said, 'one day I hope you find a girl who is skinnier, taller, more beautiful, has nicer hair than me. and i hope you're happy.' it was a really nice text but the best was how he answered me. He said that he didn't because he wanted me. I can feel tears from remembering this. I miss him. He was the best.

Now on though, it's with different people. Damon, Gavaun, people who have given me good hugs who have touched me on emotional levels. I've thought of sleeping with Hannah too. It's weird, my thoughts sometimes. But usually, it takes a while before I actually fall asleep.

I was on a Narcolepsy website to make sure I didn't have it and think I have sleep paralysis. I always have trouble getting out of bed when I'm sleeping. It's not like 'oh, i have to get up. i don't want to.' no, I wish it was. What I feel is like, my body feels like I have no trouble over it and so although, i'm thinking or trying to control my limbs it's not working. I just lay in bed, eyes closed and everything looking like I'm sleeping but really, I'm fighting myself to get up. Today it took me 30 mins to get out my bed and go to practice. I hate that feeling.

Right now, I don't know how I feel. It's a funny feeling running thorugh me like if someone says one thing wrong, I could break down in tears and just collapseon the floor. I really want someone to tlk to about this but I don't know how to say it aloud. Typing my feelings is okay for me but i'm kinda of awkward when talking about my feelings. I know this is because the way I grew up, I never really showed my feelings besides excitement. So for sadness and anger, I don't know what to do often.

Mostly though, I have the feel that I don't want to be here. I don't mean here as in this school, this room, or this state and country but really this world. I'm tired of feeling. Everything hurts me and makes me sad and I just, i'm tired. I just don't have enough balls to commit suicide.

Life's good though. I'm in college. I get good grades. I talk to people and when I'm ready, I can make friends pretty easily. Yeah, life's good.

Often i find myself tempted to go on Skype and talk to Damon, just a receive a reply but I know that once I get a reply I'll want a conversation and he's never really down for conversations with me anymore. I miss him though. I miss him so much I want to cry. Like hold my heart, clutch it and just bawl my eyes out because I miss him. I want him to want me. I want him to hold me. He made so many promises, told me so many things that I believed and I just got let down. A big part of me however knows it's my fault.

It's honestly always my fault. I'm always the one that causes the relationship to fall apart and I told Hannah, it's me. I'm the problem. These people only have me in common. They kept friendships with everyone except me. It has to be me.

I wish Hannah was here to talk to. She makes this bearable somehow. Like, I just want her friendship so badly, and I value her so much, she makes everything better. When we're talking, I don't want to leave, i want to be next to her, listening to her voice, looking at her face, her skin, hearing her laugh. It's great honestly.  She always thinks that when shes around I'm hurt or upset or something and it's really not that. It's not that at all. She's just the only one I can talk to about this. She's the only one I can talk to about it.

But now, I don't have to talk to her about it. I can just write how I feel here. I like to write, mostly actually writing but sometimes writing with a keyboard is great too.

i think I'm going to try to sleep now. My body doesn't want to move. It hurts so much and it's so cold outside but I need rest, I need to relax and maybe cry a bit and I hate crying in front of people.