Tonight, there's a sadness inside me that I just can't shake. I've had it all day to be honest. My friend, Tunde noticed it, tried to ask me if I was okay but I don't know what to tell him. Idk what I should have told him. So instead, I just nodded, said I was fine and tried to act more sociable. I guess it worked.
I wish I could call someone who would listen to me, or someone who would listen to my breathing because talking gets hard. Basically, I just want someone to be there for me.
When I was younger, more than anything, I wanted a best friend. Like those ones you see on TV where no matter what, they've got each other's back. They'd do everything together, tell each other everything and never keep secrets. They were honest about everything, Frank butost of all they were caring. I've always wanted that type of best friend.
Throughout my life I've searched for this person. First Diorchea in kindergarten, lasted a year before her cousin basically told me to leave her alone because I couldn't be friends with her. It was dark times for me, I didn't know who to play with.
Then I had a best friend named Jacibta in grade 1, but we weren't really best friends because I didn't get invited to her parties.
I didn't get another best friend until grade 4. A new girl came to our school and we hit it off and became best friends. The type I wanted. We did everything together and I honestly loved her. She was the best but we went to different high schools and she knew more people than me, got more influences and changed.
Grade 7 I got a new best friend, Anastacia. We were close because I had decided that I wanted friends and changed. I became a bit more likeable and she was loud the same. After that year though, she moved on to another girl and I was left without a friend again.
I'll be honest with you, I'm not good at making friends. Or really, I'm not good at keeping friends. It's hard for me and idk why. It's like people see me and just don't want to be my friend, they don't want to invite me out, give me rides to parties, go to te beach wih me. It's been like this for as long as I remember.
You know my older sister sold me the biggest dream. For the longest time in primary school, I was sad. I was bullied, none of the kids really wanted to be my friend or hang with me outside of school and I was just really sad. I didn't tell anybody though cause my mom and dad wouldn't understand. My mom always told me I was a mistake. She would talk about how much she didn't want me and at first, I tried not to show that it hurt me but it did. She'd deny ever saying this but it cut me so deep, I never could. Anyways, my oldest sister was very popular in high school. She went out all the time, boys kissed her, she had a best friend and I wanted that. I wanted to be like her. I was jealous. So I figured, maybe when I get 16, I'll have parties to go to. Maybe when I get 18, people would want to hang with me. Cause that's what was happening with her. But of course it didn't work out that way. 16 came and went. 18 came and I'm still fighting for friendships, or fighting for people to acknowledge me without me acknowledging them first.
My next best friend wasn't until grade 11, her name was Marisha and I really thought I had finally found my best friend I was searching so hard for. I really did. But things happened, I didn't trust her enough and she didn't really try to keep me her friend. It sort of confirmed something in my mind.
Now I would say that Brashe is my close friend. We talk a lot and I trust her but she doesn't know how much I hurt. She has other friends that she'll complain about her hardships too but I just can't make myself tell people what's wrong with me, what's going on in my head. I love her and Id do anything for her though and I know she'd do the same for me.
Hannah, I like to think that Hannah is my best friend but for as much as we talk, I still don't know her that well.
For now, I'm still waiting on my best friend. Still trying to find him or her but maybe threats the problem yanno? Maybe I'm searching too hard. Maybe I should just let it happen but I feel like I've always just been letting it happen and it never works.
One day, Id like to not feel lonely. Just one.
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