January 8th, 2015

It's 9:26 pm. I'm sitting in a communications lab with two friends, Priscilla and Miranda. Miranda sits a computer down from me, using her laptop instead of the computers in the lab. She scrolls through tumblr, after having a conversation with her mom and the police about an accident she had a few weeks ago. Priscilla sits in the row in front of us, watching a movie that was once a play. It's an interesting movie but i wish she would put her headphones in. It's distracting me from wanting to do anything but watch it or fall asleep.

My mouth burns. Not a burn like when you touch fire, but like the skin is chapped and hurts. I've started mixing vaseline with my lotion and it seems to work but today we ran 4 miles in the cold and now, it hurts again. My body hurts as well, it's like soreness and pain. My shoulders, m back, my thighs, it even hurts my eyelids to stay wide.

I want to sleep. But when I go in my room, it a while to fall asleep. My body is weird. It's tired and wants to sleep but when i go to sleep, it doesn't work out. This is what I do to help myself, I usually think of scenarios i've either been in or would like to do. most of the time it's about some guys arm around me.

The first time I ever did this it was with this guy named Dakota. Funny thing is though, I never really met him. I don't even remember if he ever showed me his face but I love him. He made me feel special and he actually texted me first and sounded excited tot alk to him. I think of him sometimes and I hope he's happy. I hope he found a girl that was all the things I wasn't. It's funny cause there's was this one time I always remember where we were texting and I was upset and really insecure. I said, 'one day I hope you find a girl who is skinnier, taller, more beautiful, has nicer hair than me. and i hope you're happy.' it was a really nice text but the best was how he answered me. He said that he didn't because he wanted me. I can feel tears from remembering this. I miss him. He was the best.

Now on though, it's with different people. Damon, Gavaun, people who have given me good hugs who have touched me on emotional levels. I've thought of sleeping with Hannah too. It's weird, my thoughts sometimes. But usually, it takes a while before I actually fall asleep.

I was on a Narcolepsy website to make sure I didn't have it and think I have sleep paralysis. I always have trouble getting out of bed when I'm sleeping. It's not like 'oh, i have to get up. i don't want to.' no, I wish it was. What I feel is like, my body feels like I have no trouble over it and so although, i'm thinking or trying to control my limbs it's not working. I just lay in bed, eyes closed and everything looking like I'm sleeping but really, I'm fighting myself to get up. Today it took me 30 mins to get out my bed and go to practice. I hate that feeling.

Right now, I don't know how I feel. It's a funny feeling running thorugh me like if someone says one thing wrong, I could break down in tears and just collapseon the floor. I really want someone to tlk to about this but I don't know how to say it aloud. Typing my feelings is okay for me but i'm kinda of awkward when talking about my feelings. I know this is because the way I grew up, I never really showed my feelings besides excitement. So for sadness and anger, I don't know what to do often.

Mostly though, I have the feel that I don't want to be here. I don't mean here as in this school, this room, or this state and country but really this world. I'm tired of feeling. Everything hurts me and makes me sad and I just, i'm tired. I just don't have enough balls to commit suicide.

Life's good though. I'm in college. I get good grades. I talk to people and when I'm ready, I can make friends pretty easily. Yeah, life's good.

Often i find myself tempted to go on Skype and talk to Damon, just a receive a reply but I know that once I get a reply I'll want a conversation and he's never really down for conversations with me anymore. I miss him though. I miss him so much I want to cry. Like hold my heart, clutch it and just bawl my eyes out because I miss him. I want him to want me. I want him to hold me. He made so many promises, told me so many things that I believed and I just got let down. A big part of me however knows it's my fault.

It's honestly always my fault. I'm always the one that causes the relationship to fall apart and I told Hannah, it's me. I'm the problem. These people only have me in common. They kept friendships with everyone except me. It has to be me.

I wish Hannah was here to talk to. She makes this bearable somehow. Like, I just want her friendship so badly, and I value her so much, she makes everything better. When we're talking, I don't want to leave, i want to be next to her, listening to her voice, looking at her face, her skin, hearing her laugh. It's great honestly.  She always thinks that when shes around I'm hurt or upset or something and it's really not that. It's not that at all. She's just the only one I can talk to about this. She's the only one I can talk to about it.

But now, I don't have to talk to her about it. I can just write how I feel here. I like to write, mostly actually writing but sometimes writing with a keyboard is great too.

i think I'm going to try to sleep now. My body doesn't want to move. It hurts so much and it's so cold outside but I need rest, I need to relax and maybe cry a bit and I hate crying in front of people.