January 11th, 2015

You guys would not believe the shitty morning I had. It was shit, I felt like shit, I looked like shit. Gawd it was horrible. I cried for hours and then ended up watching some movie that made me cry some more and it was just horrible. For hours I locked myself in my room and just wallowed in self loathing. It wasn't good at all. And I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone yanno? It was just really bad. 

I went to target with some friends, best idea of my life because it helped me clear my head. Helped me stop hating myself for a while and treat myself to nice things and then a got a text from a friend saying, 'you act like you think no one cares about you. But I do and and I'm sure other people do too so stop being a downer and smile'. It was true. I do feel like no one cares but having him say it just made me want to change that much more I guess. 

I shoved the thoughts away and just smiled, I wanted to smile, I wanted to be better and I was going to be.

So besides that, I'm feeling good right now. I'm trying to stay positive and remember that just because people don't treat me the way I want or show they care the way I want, doesn't mean they don't. I just have to learn to live with it or change and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to change my ways. Or try to anyways. 

Lol I've been trying for a long time though. The ending of 2014 has been a real low moment for me but I do want to get better, I do want to be happy so I'm going to continue to try. 

Let's just hope that I don't give up on someone cause after this morning, I was close to giving up on Hannah. She said give her a chance, I won't let her go no matter how neglected I feel becauseim lot her, I'm not in her predicament so I don't know why she didn't contact. I know I would honestly have but again, I don't know her situation. I just have to learn to trust more. 

That's gonna be on my resolution for 2915: learn to trust people.