January 9th, 2015

Today has felt longer than I expected it to. I woke at 8, my body felt broken and used up but thankfully there was no morning practice so I could get more shut eye. And that's what I did, I closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep again and when I woke it was 11 and time for me to start getting ready for practice.

Practice was basically easy today. We had circuits. It hurt my ankle a lot with all the jumping but other than that I love workouts like that. They make me feel powerful and great, yanno. Like I could do whatever I wanted. I was in charge of my body and I could do great things. I love practices like that. When I'm in charge of my body and just feel like I could go far in my sport.

After however, my body felt more bruised than when I had woken up. I went to the trainers and learnt that the heating pads work a lot. Yeah, they help a lot.

Besides practice though, I got a lot of stuff done today. I got everything situated with my work and learn and my financial aid. It was nice.

But that's not why i'm typing this. I don't want to write about how my day was, I fake my feelings all day, I'll always have a good day...

however right now, I want to cry.

I thought writing this would help but it sucks just as much as not talking to anyone at all. I miss Hannah. Just knowing that someones listening helps. But she's living her life and I can't help but feel like i'm dragging her down sometimes. Like i'm in the way of her life.

I think of her a lot. It has me wondering if maybe, just maybe, on Kinsley's scale I really am in the middle. I try not to, to not wonder about how it would feel like she actually wanted to be with me but I know it won't work. There are many reasons for this, for one: she's not to so far of on the Kinsley scale as I am and so it makes her uncomfortable and two: I can barely attract guys and keep them, really think I can keep a girl.

Most guys just want my body, they don't really want me and it sucks being used like that. Used as an object for their release, for them to say, I kissed that bitch. And i'm so eager to look for someone who would just hold me at night that I fall for it, I fall for all of it. All the time.

When I was home over break, something like this happened. I was drunk but I can remember freaking out on him, asking him what he was doing. Exclaiming that he never thought of me like this, that he didn't even think I was attractive and of course, he disagreed with me but I know it was just the alcohol talking. On both of our ends. In reality, I would joke while saying these things but I said t so easily that thats how I know I was out of my mind.

Still though, I wish it was different.

I wish I thought differently.

I wish I wasn't attracted to Hannah or Kasey.

I wish I wasn't sad all the time.

I dunno what to do about it. Lowkey, I'm trying to get over it but I've given up. I'm just tired I guess. Very tired.

Yanno, from I was young I've had problems making friends. No matter how happy or funny I was, people just didn't want to be with me. I'd watch everyone be friends, go to each others houses and wonder why they'd only talk to me at school and nothing else. Why everyone knew everyone and I was there by myself.

I just wish I could cry. But i've taught myself how to hold back tears for so long, that they always get stuck in my throat, they never let go. Why does no one care that I'm drowning? Why couldn't I have been prettier? Smarter? A better athlete? More social.. Something. Why couldn't i have been different?????????